Stream of consciousness

[phantomas]

I had a weird dream, not a nightmare, but an intense dream in which I was supposed to leave a motel room or something like that, but I didn't wake up on time, so the new occupant arrived and I had to finish packing, and packing...packing was never ending, there was stuff everywhere, lots of bags and rucksacks, tendentially smallish bit not only, some that I remember actually being or having been mine at some point, others unknown, but there was a place for everything, only stuff kept appearing from under the wardrobe, and the bed and from behind a sort of table/desk, my colours for paintings and my brushes (and somehow I think my mother found them and pointed them out to me, but she wasn't in the reast of the dream) then at some point my ex and an old friend in common appear, and they have come up (driving, all the way from Rome, and apparently I might have been in a place like Paris, but it wasn't stated anywhere), to help me get packed, old friend going back to wait in the car, new occupant of the room patiently waiting around or stretched on the bed, accepting sweets from me that I found and didn't feel like taking away with me...and ex getting distracted with some sort of exercise machinery that was in the room, trying to get it to work (typical of him)...and then the owner of the motel, turned into a woman from the the man he was before, when he had come to wake me up and free the room, came in to check on something and said that the new occupant was sueing her due to the room not being free...
...I think that's all, you never remember dreams properly unless you write them down striaght away, but it left me so aimless, so tense inside, like a chord vibrating, and the sky is so grey, so heavy..I should call home but I shy from it because it's always bad news, and for once I'd like to be the one wanted, the one in mind, not always second best, not always a transition, a substitute for else, don't want to be a bridge, want to be an island, a tower, a tree...Facebook can be upsetting, the enphasis on your identity, who you know, what school you've been, with whom, is RL like that really? And here, instead, where we don't know many faces, or they are not so important, and what we like or what we do is what and who we are, in part, never all, never whole, but creative and fun and ...more honest? more us? With all the kerfuffles and factions and ship wars and animosity, yet, still, better, so much better than the alternative... I don't know. The sky is so grey...

Comments

[icekestrel.livejournal.com]

Facebook distresses and lightens me by turns.

I wish that honesty came easily to me, but it doesn't and the over analytical tendancy that FB brings out makes me less so. Yet it keeps the connections open to those I love...but also those, I don't. It's hard. It also stems the flow - because people can look on facebook and know where I am or what I'm doing and they never feel the need to pick up the phone, or email, or text and sometimes I feel starved (for I cannot live on crumbs) while they are full.

Right, enough of my introspection, and a joke for you...

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they Arrrrr!

[simplyjaye.livejournal.com]

I have dreams like that quite often, although for me, it's often that I'm trying to get somewhere and never quite do because of distractions or just plain weirdness.

As for Facebook, I really don't like anything about it, not least the showing off of one's identity. It is, mostly, nice to reconnect with old friends, although as I haven't spoken with most of them for more than twenty years, one wonders how much I would have in common anyway. But I don't like my name being out there. I like the relative anonymity of LJ *pets LJ*

Btw, saw Ashley Judd on the news, and it got Hsu to missing Callie liek whoa! *g*

[theprivate-ryan.livejournal.com]

And here, instead, where we don't know many faces, or they are not so important, and what we like or what we do is what and who we are, in part, never all, never whole, but creative and fun and ...more honest? more us? With all the kerfuffles and factions and ship wars and animosity, yet, still, better, so much better than the alternative... I don't know. The sky is so grey...

I've never seen anyone put things so perfectly about RP here. I never understood, before, where you were coming from or the things you tried to get me to understand about RP, until this year. Now I do.

I miss you.

[lorelei633.livejournal.com]

*hugs you tight*

Oh, sweetheart. If only you could see me and know how full my heart is and how big I smile whenever I think of you.

And here, instead, where we don't know many faces, or they are not so important, and what we like or what we do is what and who we are, in part, never all, never whole, but creative and fun and ...more honest? more us? With all the kerfuffles and factions and ship wars and animosity, yet, still, better, so much better than the alternative...

I think you touched on something I was talking to a friend about last night, and that's that things are so much more intense online, you bond faster, you feel so much, and I think it's because we get to know each other from the inside out. You meet people with common interests, from all over the world, and there's no superficial judgemental stuff to get in the way, no knee-jerk reactions that have been programmed into us since birth. We are souls without the skin and we share so much of ourselves with one another. In many ways, it's a safe place here, a place to be, and to be together. It has its drama and pitfalls and shortcomings but I think you're right, in so many ways it's more honest than RL. You don't have to put on armor to be here, or pose, or worry that your clothes aren't nice enough or you don't have a new car or that someone will think you're old/young/fat/thin, whatever. You can just be.

I am no expert, but I think your dream is a reflection of your anxiety over being able to do everything and be everything to everybody. You have so much stress, with your parents and their health, and trying to divide yourself between two countries, two lives, two families. When we sleep, the conscious mind steps aside and the subconscious mind comes out to play, and often it reveals insecurities and fears. You're worried you won't be able to do it all, that the sky will fall on you if you drop even one of the balls you're juggling. You need a break, sweetie, a real one. You need some time for you. At least that's how I see it.

[phantomas.livejournal.com]

Did I ever tell you how loving and supporting and helpful you are? I should have, because you are, so much :D *hugs you*

[lorelei633.livejournal.com]

Awwww. *hugs you tight* Thank you, sweetie. And I say the same to you, too, 'cause it's true, you know. :)